Life is truly like an old woman’s boobs.
Sometimes they’re in the sky and sometimes they’re lying basically on the ground. Right now my life is all over the place. And I just can’t really understand what the F is going on. I mean.. I was about to kill myself for few months ago and then I hit the rock bottom where I understood that even death wouldn’t be a solution because I knew that I would reincarnate and come to this shitty weird ass reality again.. So why even bother, right? If I have to do this, I could might as well try to do this the first time (even though its probably not my first life, lol.. I kinda know that.. cause I’ve meditated and went to my previous life, but ok.. that is a different story)
No one could tell, right? A happy girl..
That could spare me some time, few lifetimes.. Thats silly, Daiga.. the time does not exist for universe.. even if it would, it definitely does not mean shit to universe, because it cares only about EXPANSION and trying to figure out what it is through weird ass experiences, like human life on Earth. I’m sorry guys.. It seems its so hard to stay on track here.. As I said ” all over the place”.
Aaaaanyway.. So yeah.. Then 4 days after my 22nd birthday on August the 6th, I pay 250 EUR to this Horvatic woman who is one of Teal Swan’s Completion Process practicioneers. I know, you think that it is insane. Well being dead inside is not fun either. Its not like I had any value for anything at that time. And money was no exception. I had to at least try. And I did. It was ground braking!!! I could never EVER imagine that such a simple process can literally change you in an instance. But I did not expect anything less from a process that was put together by Teal herself. After all, she is the wisest person that I have ”seen”. All her teaching have been a big help and a deep understanding about me, my life and others around me, and the source itself (Universe, God.. or u can call it whatever u want). That day I got rid of my self blame for good! This was liberating! And I mean self blame to a degree that I truly believed that I don’t deserve to walk on this Earth. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.
I will forever remember that day! It will soon be 3 months already and I have not had any suicidal thought (like a genuine one) ever since. And it is not like I am trying not to think about it or something.. NO – I truly don’t feel that way about myself and my existence any more. ^^ Since then I have done the Completion Process (CP for short) several times on myself. I could have saved those 250 EUR and learned to do it myself, but I just didn’t want to wait. I think I will go into details about CP some other time.
So now… I have put some IMPORTANT pieces back to my being (oh, you know, nothing special.. JUST FEELING OK WITH BEING ALIVE WITHOUT WAITING FOR THE JUDGEMENT HAMMER TO HIT ME) and I have more energy, I have more positive thoughts and I am just ready to finally move on with my life and take the next step. The problem is – I don’t really know what that is. Also the marriage is a struggle right now, which makes things a bit more complicated. I feel a bit stuck, a little bit afraid and just uncertain about how I should proceed here. I want to take control, but I don’t know where I want to turn the wheel to. I guess I’m waiting for the Universe to show me the way that I absolutely DO NOT want to take, as it always does 🙂 She is thoughtful like that. Only in darkness can you understand what light is. I guess this is the inspirational quote for Universe 😀 I also use it though.