I have not been to classes for more than a week now. The thing is that I really don’t want to. First of all, I’ve been fighting depression for a few years now and every time it comes back, it gets stronger – that’s a proven fact.. So I simply don’t want to stare at how I destroy my life and relationships with other people.. So I surprisingly took my first step – I found an audio book about depression and it is called ”The Mindful Way Through Depression’‘. I am in the middle of the book now. It really made me look at depression from completely different point of view.. but what helped me even more.. was doing the things I want. I stayed home, I helped Kaspars, I took on embroidery, wrote blog, visited my parents and enjoyed the nature. These are all the things that I WANTED TO DO. So I did, and I felt happy again. When I feel depressed it isn’t just unhappy.. it’s even worse – I don’t care about the things I should. I simply don’t want to exist.. It destroys everything! When I look at my life I understand that everything is great and I should be the Happy Carrot, but I can’t make myself feel that way. It’s sad and unfair.. especially to Kaspars. This is why I can’t go back to doing those things that make me feel miserable and my life – pointless. And I mean.. I don’t see how the bachelor’s degree can get me a job and make me happy. It can’t! Because if I really want to learn programming.. I should start doing it by myself. But all I can think of is ” what will my parents say? What will my friends say?”. I can make my own decisions but I am afraid to make a mistake as we all are..
But then again – what mistake? The biggest mistake is to waste your time on the things you don’t want to do. When my parents are gone and friends living their own lives… there won’t be anyone judging me except myself – I will be judging myself for the things I didn’t do. I have different values in my life – money definitely isn’t the first one.
I want to be happy, alive and energetic. I want to find a way I can feel happy. I want to do the things that help me and my family. And I want that ”doing” to help other people. I want to live and never regret anything. I want to experiment with my life by following my heart.
Posted in Everyday Life, Lifestyle and Choices, Spirituality and experiences
- Tagged control your life, Crossroads, Decision, Depression, family, Happy, Heart, Life, Love, Mistake, Regret, University
As some of you may now.. I usually write posts this late when I can’t sleep. Bingo! This is not an exception. My stomach is a balloon, it is hot inside, I feel sick, I am afraid.
My mom showed me our relatives “Rostoks” and I helped her to find few people on the Internet. I have very close relatives living in Iowa and Omaha. We contacted one of them, hopefully, we get a response. And also it would be nice to have a place to stay if Kaspars and I ever decide to go to the USA.
I am gassed up.. Maybe tomorrow I will go out and fly up in the sky. If I manage to get to space.. Weeeelll.. That’s perfect. It means vacuum. It means that I have the oppurtunity to live my life without the air in my stomach. ( let’s not talk about the real circumstances..ok? ) Ignorance is bliss. Just for this one day.. This one.. Day..