I have not been to classes for more than a week now. The thing is that I really don’t want to. First of all, I’ve been fighting depression for a few years now and every time it comes back, it gets stronger – that’s a proven fact.. So I simply don’t want to stare at how I destroy my life and relationships with other people.. So I surprisingly took my first step – I found an audio book about depression and it is called ”The Mindful Way Through Depression’‘. I am in the middle of the book now. It really made me look at depression from completely different point of view.. but what helped me even more.. was doing the things I want. I stayed home, I helped Kaspars, I took on embroidery, wrote blog, visited my parents and enjoyed the nature. These are all the things that I WANTED TO DO. So I did, and I felt happy again. When I feel depressed it isn’t just unhappy.. it’s even worse – I don’t care about the things I should. I simply don’t want to exist.. It destroys everything! When I look at my life I understand that everything is great and I should be the Happy Carrot, but I can’t make myself feel that way. It’s sad and unfair.. especially to Kaspars. This is why I can’t go back to doing those things that make me feel miserable and my life – pointless. And I mean.. I don’t see how the bachelor’s degree can get me a job and make me happy. It can’t! Because if I really want to learn programming.. I should start doing it by myself. But all I can think of is ” what will my parents say? What will my friends say?”. I can make my own decisions but I am afraid to make a mistake as we all are..
But then again – what mistake? The biggest mistake is to waste your time on the things you don’t want to do. When my parents are gone and friends living their own lives… there won’t be anyone judging me except myself – I will be judging myself for the things I didn’t do. I have different values in my life – money definitely isn’t the first one.
I want to be happy, alive and energetic. I want to find a way I can feel happy. I want to do the things that help me and my family. And I want that ”doing” to help other people. I want to live and never regret anything. I want to experiment with my life by following my heart.
Posted in Everyday Life, Lifestyle and Choices, Spirituality and experiences
- Tagged control your life, Crossroads, Decision, Depression, family, Happy, Heart, Life, Love, Mistake, Regret, University
Hello my dear frieeends! 🙂
This day I am starting with nice breakfast. Try it yourself – Curb, sour cream, peas and a little bit salt.. MMM.. delicious! 🙂 If you replace the peas and put beans.. it is a great food after workout or in the evening if you are hungry 😛
I feel like I will continue my workout maybe today, maybe tomorrow.. I still cough but… On Saturday I walked well… 12 KM!!!! Hell yeah! Why? Well.. I was in Ogre and my train supposed to be here after 50 minutes.. but I hate that feeling when you have to wait for the train and it actually feels like YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! Soo.. I always wanted to do this.. and I had my new boots on.. I DECIDED TO WALK HOME! So I calculated a bit… and though that it would take 1 hour or so 😛 It was around 7 p.m. and the sun was still shining but it wasn’t hot! It was great! I walked and just smiled and thought that this is one of the best feelings! And I was also thinking a lot which was good because I was able to get my head straight 🙂
But the best thing was that I was saying to myself ” Fck you train! Fck you cars! ( Ok.. maybe not cars.. because I want to get one soon ;D )” But I felt in control again! I was happy because I had legs and it just felt right! 🙂
My legs hurt in a way they have never.. but it wasn’t that bad. I was simply amazed by myself. And btw.. it took me hour and half to get home that day. But it was totally worth it! ^^
Do not mess with Daiga! 😎
Ant in flower (Photo credit: Wikipedia)